Elektra Pavlicek
If only I knew
Everything has come to me exactly when I need it, for some strange reason I learn things at the right point in my life. I just got done reading the book The Painted Bird by Jerzy Kosinski it is the wildest vulgar book I have read so far. The Painted Bird gave me a detailed picture of how barbaric people can be. It opened my eyes to be more appreciative that I never had to go through times where life was easily thrown away and bodies were tortured without any mercy or regret by those who did it. I have always been interested how some people are filled with love and compassion and others are filled with hate, destructiveness and violence. Here is an example of hate, destructiveness, and violence from The Painted Bird, a man had been suspicious of his wife and a young boy fancying each other. His wife would show the young boy her bosom at any chance she had or hike her skirt up to show her legs. At dinner the man got very drunk saw one of the passes his wife was giving the young boy, the man took the young boy one handed by the neck and held him against the wall the man took a knife and cut out one of his eye balls, the young boy went into a panic seeing one of his eyes rolling on the floor. Then the man took out the second eye ball and let that one fall to the floor. The man let the young boy go, the young boy ran out in hysteria. The man squashed the eye balls with his boots and sat down like nothing had happened. This book truly has taken me into a different world, a world that I am so thankful I never had to be in.
Jerzy Kosinski
Jery Kosinski is probably someone I would have liked to meet because he is mysteriously smart, crazy, and harmless. There is something very intriguing about his mind. In the Los Angeles Times, Sunday May 12, 1996, a book review was done on Jerzy Kosinski biography written by James Park Sloan. The review said that Jerzy Kosinski was a compulsive liar, a trickster, and he was never able to sustain long term friendships. It was said that he would change his self all the time, and every self he created became more beautiful. Once he became famous for his novels his audience started to question whether or not these stories were true. It was also later found out that he had lots of editorial assistance and that’s why the style of each book was so different. Kosinski commited suicide in 1991 at age 58

Harmonie Tes Baber
Harmonie Tes Baber is my daughter Harmonie is my middle name Tes is her dads tag name (tag name is a name that you tag in graffiti art work) Baber is her dads last name she was born November 11, 2003. I was 18 years old when I had her. Of course my parents went hysterical when I told them I was pregnant. My dad wouldn’t talk to me for like two months. My mom would switch on me one minute she was ok with it the next minute she would put me down by bringing up times in my life that were not so pleasant. They wanted me to get an abortion and were willing to pay for it, but I was determined to have this baby. Something told me to have this baby, I didn’t care if I had to raise this baby on my own, I knew I could do it.
My daughter is definitely my TRUE love it is true because it is love without any physical attraction (sex), which to me is the purest love that there is. When I first had her I did not love her automatically. I felt guilty that I did not love her or even like her. I feel that there is pressure on mothers to have this unconditional love for their children right away. Maybe some women really do feel love at first sight, or maybe they are not being honest with themselves. I was honest with myself and my feelings toward my daughter I even talked to other mothers about how I felt and most mothers including my mother had felt the same way. These symptoms are labeled as postpartum depression which is when a person is depressed after a major event such as a death or child birth. I think most parents go through this including the fathers. I just think that everyone has there own way of dealing with the situation. I gradually started to love my daughter, my love for her never stops growing, and it gets stronger and stronger everyday.
My daughter is everything I imagined and more she is charismatic has social skills way beyond mine, her fine motor skills are amazing for a 2 ½ year old. She can string beads on embroidery floss most five years cant do that. She is fun to be around there is never a boring moment with her. When we go to festivals she dances and gets others to dance with her. We will go to first Friday of the month at the DIA and they will have music there. Harmonie of course started dancing, dancing with other people, playing with other children and adults. She was all over the place, everyone watching her; she has a way that captures everyone’s attention. After the music was over some lady asked if she could take a picture of her, and said she would be famous someday. She is beautiful in everyway she brings joy to everyone she meets. She has also opened my eyes to another world she has challenged me in so many ways.
Because of my daughter and a lot of self exploring I have come to understand my mother a lot more. My mother and I never had a very good relationship. We could never talk to each other in a civilized way. I was always moving out of my parent’s house because being around her was very unhealthy environment for me. She would act in these patterns and put me down and actually be mean to me. She would say things like I don’t like you, or why don’t you love me. She would make me feel like I was the one for our relationship not healthy. She would confuse me so much I felt like I was going crazy.
When I was about 4 years old my sister Julia was born. She was born totally healthy. When she was about ten months old she caught viral encephalitis. She was left with serious brain damage. She cant see never developed her communication skill, she can walk but it hurts because her arch on her feet is inverted, she has behavior issues, and she will have seizures for the rest of her life. Julia had herpes simplex 1 on her tongue, which turned into viral encephalitis. My mom had herpes simplex 1 on her lip, and my mother had kissed my sister Julia, of course not knowing the effects it might have. I didn’t find this out till recently that my mother could have spread the virus to my little sister. That made me look at mother very differently, I have a new respect for her. Just by having a daughter and knowing the feeling of attachment towards my daughter, I would have been devastated if my daughter caught a virus and I could be to blame for it. I don’t know what I would have done; just thinking about it breaks my heart. In any case I no realize my mom did and does the best that she can.



Crazy
I remember when I remember I remember when I lost my mind There was something so pleasant about that place Even your emotions had an echo In so much space Mmm? And when you?re out there Without care Yeah, I was out of touch But it wasn?t because I didn?t know enough I just knew too much Mmm? Does that make me crazy Does that make me crazy Does that make me crazy Probably (OR "possibly" - depending on what version you have) An I hope that you are having the time of your life But think twice That?s my only advice Mmm? Come on now Who do you Who do you Who do you Who do you think you are Ha ha ha Bless your soul You really think you?re in control Well I think you?re crazy I think you?re crazy I think you?re crazy Just like me My heros had the heart To build the life I want to live An all I remember Is thinking I wanna be like them Mmm? Ever since I was little Ever since I was little it looked like fun It was no coincidence I?ve come An I can die when I?m done But maybe I?m crazy But maybe you?re crazy Maybe we?re crazy ProbablyAaah?ooooh?
When I first heard that song Crazy, by Gnarles Barkley it made me smile. I really liked the video because it was very artistically done, it contained Rorschach inkblot test which would go in and out of different pictures of Cee-Lo Green (the singer of the song) and had different insects appear. It was crazy when I heard this song because I heard it exactly when I needed it. Exactly when I found out that it wasn’t just me who is crazy (and I am really not crazy comparatively) everyone is crazy. Everyone in this world has their own little crazy world. I have just recently accepted everyone and there own crazy ways. Things that used to bother me like my baby’s daddy’s compulsive lying I just play along, or when my mom is on one of her nutty rampages I just leave her alone and never get annoyed or angry if she says something to irritate me. This realization has definitely created balance within me, because before I felt like I would be sucked in with everyone else’s issues.
Psychology- scientific study of behavior and mental processes
William James was the first U.S. professor of psychology. He was associated with functionalism, which is a psychological perspective that is concerned with how behavior helps an organism adapt to its environment. He also brought U.S. college student the ability to perform psychological experiments.
My major is psychology, it is truly my passion. I have always been a great observer, and have good sense intuition. I have been to a psychologist and a few psychiatrists. I never really liked the psychiatrist because most of them are drug happy. One of my psychiatrists was a real quack she prescribe me a drug called Welbutrin. She kept saying how it was going to be like the street drug E (ecstasy). Of course at the time I am thinking sweet I can get high and it’s legal. That drug was the worse thing that ever happened to me. After two more psychiatrists that didn’t help I said screw the drug sampling because it was truly making me lose my mind. On the other hand I love self help with out the drugs. My psychologist has helped me give a different perspective of myself. I have learned so much from both the psychologists and psychiatrists experiences, mainly through their questions and my own observations.
To remind myself of my third person awareness or to help balance my thoughts I like to read Everyday Zen Love and Work, by Charlotte Joko Beck. Charlotte Joko Beck takes what you already know but makes sense with it in words. The way she writes and expresses her thoughts is very well thought out, and beautifully written.

Zen-originated in China in the 12th centur, it is a major school of Buddhism that focuses on enlightenment through meditation and insight
I heard that relationships are said to be the best mirror of your self. It is true, I have learned so much about me through relationships, relationships is a discovery of self. I want to share a passage about relationships.

Let’s take a quarrel at breakfast. At lunchtime we’re telling everybody about it, getting comfort, sympathy, agreement-and already we’re in our heads. “When I see him tonight we’ll really have to discuss it; we’ll have to really get at this matter.” So there’s the future-what we’re going to do about the upset.
But what’s really here? What’s really now? As we sit having our lunch, where is that breakfast quarrel? Where is it? “The mind of the past is ungraspable.” Where is it? The dinner, when we’re going to really fix it up (to our satisfaction, of course), Where is it?
“The mind of the future is ungraspable.” It doesn’t exist.
What does exist? What’s real? There is just my upset right now, at lunch. My story describing what happened at breakfast is not what happened. It’s my story. What is real is the headache, the fluttering in my tummy. And my chattering is manifestation of that physical energy outside of the physical experience, there is nothing else that’s real. And I don’t know if that’s real, but that’s all we can say about it.
Everyday Zen Love and Work, by Charlotte Joko Beck (pg 83-84)

This made everything very clear about the confusion I have in my relationships, because really know one can remember what really happened in the past and know one can predict what will happen in the future. Everyone has there own perception of what happened. No one can tell me that my story is wrong and I can’t tell anyone that there story is wrong, so there is no point of trying to dwell on a event that may or may not have happened. I have to read from her book everyday just as a reminder because it is so easy to get caught up in thoughts.

Elektra Pavlicek
David Sedaris
6/27/06
A romantic relationship can make a person exhibit lively hood, it will make a boring day an exciting day. The feeling of romance feels new and exciting; the anticipation of what going to happen next builds up. Butterflies are going in the stomach, mind is racing about the special somebody, there is all of a sudden enough energy to get homework done and even clean the whole house. For some reason that excitement, anticipation, energy and impatience all tragically comes to an end.
A tragic ending can promote fear in someone; no one wants the feeling of a new romance to disappear. Many people try to keep the excitement going by leaping like a frog from lily pad to lily pad, or relationship to relationship. Going from relationship to relationship, the experience of breaking up is never experienced. Break ups need to be experienced because it is a part of knowing oneself. It helps to form identity so life is then able to be lived to the fullest. Relationships can take up so much of a person’s time that it can be unhealthy. Sometimes romance may distract the mind of what is really important in life, there is so much more to experience in life.
Romance will always end tragically because it begins with a halo of happiness. It is just like that saying “all good things come to an end”. Which is not always true, but in most cases all good things do come to an end especially when it has to do with romance. I think that are minds get bored in relationships, it becomes routine after awhile and there is no mystery to uncover anymore. Our minds like routine to a certain extent because it is comfort there will be nothing unexpected on the other hand our minds love stimulation and our bodies love to feel excited. Comfort or excitement a person must choose one in the end of a relationship. It cause dissonance, a feeling that our minds and our bodies discourage because it is such a confusing unpleasant feeling. Dissonance causes the tragic ending of love

The film was confusing at the beginning, I was wondering who was dieing from a lithium overdose. Then when the film went on to talk about a happy marriage between Rosemary and Adolph and they gave birth to a beautiful daughter named Renee it gave the movie a happy tone. The movie got dark very quickly after that. Rosemary was receiving electric shocks and rapped and put into an insane hospital, and Jonathan (her son) had to go to foster care. This was the saddest part of the movie for me, because Jonathan was just a child and his foster family tied him up and beat him. I can’t imagine anyone tying up a child and beating them. All I could think about is my daughter and if anyone hurt her, it would be so devastating to me. I would never forgive someone if they abused my daughter, it would cause me to feel hate, rage, guilt and anger towards that person.
Another part of the movie that disturbed me was when he was filming himself as those females and he kept playing with is bangs. At first I didn’t know that he was acting, I thought he had gone crazy like his mother. Then when I found out that he was just acting I wasn’t as shocked by that scene. It was interesting that at such a young age Jonathan filmed himself. The way he set up the film was very creative for his age. It was interesting in the last part of the movie he tried to film himself as he did as a kid but he couldn’t. As a kid, he was so comfortable in front of the camera, and as an adult, he was nervous in front of the camera. When he filmed his family, it was focusing the attention on them while Jonathan could stand back and observe them.
I wasn’t expecting Jonathan to be as sane as he is. It mad me happy to that he had goals, interests, and talent. He put his energy into something productive. It was a touching story, because many people who have been through trauma are always blaming themselves or someone for their misery. For instance, family members have sexually abused my Aunt, her husband committed suicide, and she has isolated herself from the world. She blames my grandma (her mother) for her sexual abuse and she blame herself for her husband’s death. Since she has isolated herself, she has anxiety, and has anti social behaviors. Jonathan was able to overcome all the horrible things that had happen to him. He became aware of himself and his families sick behavior, and was able to look at his life in third person. I think that his interest in film gave him the opportunity to look at himself in third person and make better choices for his self.

Elektra Pavlicek
Response to The brain in Love
Romantic relationships are one of the most talked about subjects in our society. It seems that all of our entertainment revolves around sexual relationships. We are all looking that perfect someone that fits in our life so perfectly. The perfect person would get along with your family, be understanding, attractive, and have all the right moves. That Fantasy is really hard to fulfill. Many times you think you have found the one and then come to find out that you were blind to see that the person you were in love with was really dumb. Movies, books, and television present stories about falling in love but none about how to stay in love.
Science is more involved with romance because it is a feeling and a state of being that nearly everyone can relate to. Science also took an interest to romance because it acts like a drug; you feel like your high, your appetite and need for sleep decreases, you never have time for your family and friends. At the end of a relationship it feels like you’re coming down off coke, it’s the worst feeling that you could ever experience. Love is an addiction you’re always trying to get that first falling in love feeling back again. Maybe science will one day be able to explain the way we can stay in love
Most everyone has experienced the same pattern of falling in love. You want to be around that person all the time then you get into fights and break up, then get back together again then break again. The break up makeup cycle keeps going until it’s not fun anymore. The relationship will then soon come to final breakup with no makeup to accompany it. Then you’re sad because you don’t have that person that you are so used to being around and you don’t know what to do with your self because you put all your time and energy in that person and you lost your sense of identity. But eventually you get over it and you’ll be back to normal and know who you are again. Most people will have experience this cycle with more than one romantic partner. Some people will grow and learn from the relationship and decide they never want to have that experience again. They make a list of new qualities that they want in a romantic partner. Some people don’t learn from their mistakes and will keep the cycle for ever going.

Elektra Pavlicek
English 1020
6/13/06
The mainstream beauty standards are still narrowly defined as big breasts, small waist, long hair and the most recent characteristics is having a big butt, and having money. When J.LO (Jennifer Lopez) became popular the media would highlight her rear end and say how big it was. J.LO made women proud to have curves and especially a big butt. It used to be that being really skinny was considered sexy. The media would portray Kate Moss, and run way models to be the icons of beauty. The reason that being skinny is not sexy any more is because it’s associated with doing drugs i.e. coke, crack. No one wants to be called a crack head. Doing drugs used to be considered “cool”, but now being and looking healthy is “in” right now.
The most highly prized characteristics are facial features. A person can have an ugly body and pretty face and still be found attractive. If a person has an ugly face and a nice body it would be harder to find a person like that attractive. The reason its harder to accept an ugly face is because a face can never be changed (except with plastic surgery, but its fake not beautiful), a body can always be changed with exercise and the right diet.
The mainstream is plastic surgery crazy; more people are getting fake breasts, noses, butts, cheeks, chins. Liposuction is popular right now as well. Fake n’ Bake (fake tanning)is the way to get a nice tan, because it gets rid of nasty tan lines, and the tan can be kept up all year round and it makes the tan look more “natural” or “exotic”.
“Black looks and trends by Whites does not indicate a more inclusive definition of beauty but merely offers Whites a broader range to look “exotic” or “different”.”
(pg. 223 Remix, Byrd and Tharps)
It’s not about looking more “white” any more it’s about looking wealthy. If the face is ugly and the body is ugly, looking like a million bucks is the way to fit in or to be considered attractive. The media loves to glitz up wealthy people, the media makes the wealthy look attractive and “cool” even if they are not i.e. Donald Trump. Money can buy anything, it can buy beauty, coolness, popularity. Mainstream's beauty is not about natural beauty it's about natural wealth.

Social networks extent of shaping your identity is the majority of your identity and then you have your own perception to help shape your identity. Social network is the part of your identity that describes what you like to do with your free time, what kind of people you like to be around and any interests a person has. The other part of your identity is a person’s own perception, which enables unique thoughts and choices that a person uses to be in a particular social network. Many people are able to fit into a variety of social groups and they are able to change their identity by choosing what social network they will participate in on that day.
Leonard quoted from one of he panelists from the Commonwealth Club, and the quote says, “You are who your network is.” “You are who you know.” This quote is true because everyone you know and every group that you have been a part in has helped to shape the person that you are, in the present, as well as the person you are becoming. Shaping your identity is an on going process that will keep changing through out a person’s life; there is no set identity for any one person.
Leonard mentions that pundits like to tell us that family and geology is not the primary social network anymore and that the work place and technology are our prime social groups. I think that family and geology will always be the most important social network because it’s where your basic formation of identity comes from. For instance, a child’s up brining is the core of that person. It is very influential on the decisions we make through out your life, and how we choose to describe ourselves.

Elektra Pavlicek
Last Meals and people who eat them
I think that it’s fascinating to know what the condemned are going to order for their last meal. I found it interesting to find out that the meals were so simple; I thought that the meals would be more extravagant. The reason it is interesting to know what a killer might eat for their last meal is because it gives knowledge as to what they might be going on in their minds, how they grew up or it makes them a “real” person. “Real” meaning that a killer might just eat like any other “normal” (non-killer) person is able to relate to the condemned by their last meal.
The last meal made me feel a little sorry for the person who was about to be executed because I think that I can relate to food and it gives a feeling of sorrow because that is the last meal they will ever see. Everyone can relate to eating, and maybe thats why the last meal is a little depressing because maybe thats the food you use to eat and you feel a connection with the killer which might give them innocence and “realness” because an innocent person may now have something in common with a killer.
Food is the center for social activities; it gives a sense of comfort and brings people closer together. Food is part of tradition it brings to mind childhood memories, and family holidays, a big part of our life is food. My family has always had the tradition to make a favorite birthday dinner. For my birthday I always ask for either spinach pie with lamb rolls or chicken with broccoli and the cake would have to be chocolate, and I just would want water to drink or wine would be nice too. If I had to choose a last meal to eat it would be my birthday dinner. Its was surprising to find that the condemned ordered a lot of junk food for there last meals, for instance when Stacey Lamont Lawton ordered just a jar of pickles or Velma Margie Barfield ordered Cheez Doodles, a Kit Kat, and a Coke. The food that they chose is mysterious to me; it leads to many assumptions about why they wanted that meal but no conclusions. The last meal that the condemned order symbolizes certain traditions they might have, it gives incite to the way they were raised and live. It is interesting to know what killer eats because you wonder about how they live day to day and why they might have killed someone and what made them kill someone do they do different then a “normal” person.

Elektra Pavlicek
Secret Society of the starving
Question #4
High risk behavior groups are forming functional communities by separating themselves from the mainstream who does not participate in high risk activities i.e. drug use, skipping school, anorexia, violence, promiscuous sex. In a high risk behavior community they seclude themselves by being secretive about what they are participating in. In the Secret Society of the Starving, one of the girls named Claire said that at lunch time when people asked her why she didn’t eat, she said that she couldn’t be honest with and say that she just doesn’t eat, she said that they would judge her if she had been honest. Claire said that the anorexic/bulimic web sites gave her a way for her to be open with her problem. The web sites create isolation by giving anorexics a place to talk about their behaviors with other people who understand their disorder. It gives them a place to feel safe; they don’t have to fear that someone may judge them. The web site gives anorexia acceptance and belongings. They will tell people who enter the web site to leave if the just want to lose a couple pounds.
The web site feeds their disorder by exchanging information on how to be the best anorexic / bulimic. The web site even has Ten Commandments on how to be the best anorexic / bulimic, all of the commandments encourage low self esteem and self mutilation. The web site supports the way they feel and think and convince each other that they are right. One of the girls asked a question about how to get rid of a headache caused by vomiting, she got many responses but not one of the responses said the she should go see a doctor and get help.
I think that the web sites may be categorized as good and bad. Good, because it gives people with disorders a place to express themselves freely about what they are doing among people who won’t be grossed out or judge them. Bad, because it encouraging the disorder and its giving the disorder comfort, this will make even harder to over come the disorder.